inane ramblings...

do we agree now, that wasn't a life. that wasn't even a lame excuse for one - it was just an excuse for failing, an excuse to fall back on whenever i didn't reach my own expectations. i don't need to be fragile or dependent - i can be myself. i don't need to be scared of life passing me by, i can just fill my life with happiness and record it all in my little book to look back on when i get anxious.

im over schedules and planning. im going to scrunch up all those meal plans (all 3 years worth of them), stick them in a bottle and throw them into the ocean.

the end.

pretty sure this is the last time i'm going to post here. but i went through my room the other day and found a FUCK LOAD of shit that i want to offload. all these writings and papers about shit that used to weigh me down. and, i don't know, i just want to get rid of it ok! but i don't want to just let go of all these things. there are things i want to remember about what life used to be like, just to remind me that i never want to go there again, if i'm ever tempted. i get the feeling everyone has trouble letting go and that's why i really don't feel like un-membershiping from all of those fucking communities, etc... this is going to be long so i cut it for all of youse's friends pages ok!

FUCK YOU GUYS I GOT MY PERIOD TODAY AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

TODAY I FEEL GOOD.
THIS COULD BE

THE END.

i'm in a funny, funny mood today.


and i'm over this journal.

ciao!

I am excited. I feel like I'm finally figuring stuff out for myself. I ... don't know. I'm not quite over things, sometimes it's still a struggle but WHATEVER, I'm training hard and all the running makes melon_cauli a very happy female : )!

Training today:
AIM: I wanted to do the first 1km in 4min 20 sec (lap split - 2min 10sec), the second 1km in 4 min (lap split - 1 min), and the third as fast as possible, aiming for 3min 50sec (lap split - 55 second). Somehow, I got confused and thought I needed to do the first 125 metres in 27 seconds, leading to a split of 55 seconds .... Meaning I went to fast and screwed the whole point of the excercise up. DAMMIT!

250m - 55 sec
500m - 1min 50sec
1000m - 3min 49 sec
1500m - 6min
2000m - 8min 03sec
2500 - 9 min 57 sec
3000m - 11min 49 sec

Pretty damn good, considering last year my best time was 12min 43 seconds. I went too fast in the begining though - MUST NOT DO THAT THIS YEAR!!! I also had to dodge a million footballs because of these two AFL trainees who could not aim for shit. Or whatever.

I don't know how, but i think that heopets and fanfiction just saved my life.

There's been a big gap between now and the last time I wrote and, to be frank, I wasn't doing too well as far as "not fucking shit up" goes. But, it's weird. My friend got me back on neopets (I swear I'm not immature!!!) and I started watching House from a "obsessed enough to write fanfiction about it" perspective. Then I actually did write fanfiction about it - some piece of crap that amuses me and is slightly ooc and mocking enough to disguise it as a parody and call it a work of art. And now ... Food isn't that all-powerful central part of my life anymore. To be honest, I'm probably not eating enough. But I'm not stressing too much about it. I'm functioning well and pleasantly surprised about it.

For the record, http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3508553/1/

It was good.

So now ... I don't know. My big plan is to, ultimatly, get help, because I suppose I have to. But, until then, I really want to try and listen to exactly what my body's telling me to do, foodwise. It's hard, though, because at school I have to eat when the specified eating times are and I have to pack food at the begining of the day which inevitably leads to me working out exactly how much food I have packed. But, maybe in the holidays (TWO WEEKS!!! YAY!!!) I'll be able to do it better. I want to then keep a food diary, work out exactly how many calories my body is demanding at the moment and, because my hunger system is all messed up, gradually increase this until it's around 1600-1700 ish, which is healthy for my weight and activity level, according to the internets. If I can function with that, without getting panicked or whatever, then good. The only thing is that my weight isn't healthy, or so I assume seeing as I still have not got my period back. I think I'll wait a bit and see but then tell mum. "Hey ... it's been a few months since I last got my period, should I be worried?"

But I don't want to gain weight. That's the big problem here. I actually won't mind if I don't lose any more weight because the surprising thing is that I'm pretty happy with my body. I'm just shit-scared of gaining weight, for some strange reason ... ah, well.

I feel kinda ... teetering. On the very edge of a relapse ... but then again, so not. I don't know. I'm stronger than I was, or maybe it's because people are noticing stuff now.

I guess that, in itself, is kinda fucked up ... but what can I do?


Whoever on ed_ucate said that poeple shouldn't make ANY comments on weight at all, like "oh, you've gained/lost weight" is so right. It just pisses me off when people are like "You're so skinny" and they mean it like a compliment. 1) because I tend to take it as a compliment (not openly) and that's just wrong. And, 2) because I wouldn't go to someone "you're so fat." Because skinny is a compliment and fat is an insult. And that's just way fucked. I'm sorry, but that's how it is.

I've procrastinated with my rant enough. I'll continue it later!!!

FAT.

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT.

16.7

no one cares. she wont notice.

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT.

I fucking did what I was supposed to do!!! :D :D :D :D!!!! I'm soooo happy - I came 2nd by like 3cm but that's ok because I was so freaked out BUT I DID IT!

I didn't get into head of river. Meh.

I DID IT, I DID IT!

So, basically, I've next got the 800m tomorrow so I'm "loading up" on energy - my plot is to eat around 1600 calories today but it's fucking hard ... Easy and hard at the same time, actually. Like, breakfast, I was planning last night and I'm like "300 cal .. hmm, what can I do here?" And it was like: muesli? that's only around 150 unless I give a massive portion but then I'll feel sick ... So I just added a banana, that was alright. And it's kinda hard because I feel full all the time and shit, but I'm not focussing on that. I think I just made my descision, kinda, to whether I'd be not skinny or not good at running. It's a kind of compromise, actually. For two days before a race I'll not focus on what I'm eating, only that I'm eating enough... It's working for now.
( Don't read more )

Well, I'm having more fun than ever.

But I'm also a little worried.

Next week on Wednesday I'm doing a 1500 in knockout and on saturday it's state championships and I'm running an 800. This is kinda scary because it's the first time I've really, really competed since I hurt my ankle and I ... don't know. I feel like I should make it count, make the peeps notice me and realize I'm back. I'll try not to overthink it or whatever and I've been training hard so hopefully I'll go well.

Here's the thing: I did my last ergo test for this season last Thursday. I swear, if anything can make me cry it's that fucking ergo machine. 1000 metres and I did it in the crap time of 4.30. This is worst than my pb by 10 seconds. So, what gives? I was pulling my hardest but I could fucking NOT get the number down! It went all the way up to, like, 2.19 within the first 300 metres. I was sitting there and I seriously was going to give up about 200m into the thing.

WHY???

I should be getting better. But I appear to be NOT. So, I've worked out there are three possible reasons for this.

1) I had just had two teeth pulled out. Like, three hours before the thing. So, the happy gas might have like fucked with my head or the panadol might have still been in my system ... some shit like that.

2) I'm overtraining - something I appear to do regularly. A run through of my schedule: Monday: rowing from 4-7; Tuesday: running - intervals, sprints, whatever for 30 mins; Wednesday: rowing from 4 - 7; Thursday - athletics from 7:30 to 8:30 in the morning then rowing from 4-4:30 then swimming from 6-7; Friday - little athletics from 6-8; Saturday - rowing from 7-12 and then I walk for about 2 hours; Sunday - another 30 minute run. But if I don't do this then I begin to feel panicky and this inevitably leads me to not eating enough. I might have some things under control but ... I don't know. This leads me to point 3...

3) I am still fucking losing weight. Or, if I'm not losing weight then I'm sure as hell not gaining any muscle mass which might possibly come in HANDY when rowing. When I was 45/6 that was when I was probably running the best. Granted, I haven't been told my times since then but ... still. It doesn't make any sense that I've grown and also lost about three kg.

So, lets put it into perspective: I can blame my ergo scores on my weight because I weigh less than the majority of everyone else. Also, the girl who gets the best ergo scores is 60kg. I don't know why I wanted to write that in but I will. Thus, I could blame a worsening ergo score on losing weight.

I just hope it doesn't interfere with running because if it came to a choice of being not-fat and being able to run fantabulously ... Shit, let's not go there.

It is slightly ironic that I felt more healthy when I was eating 1200 calories a day as opposed to now.
Or maybe it's just fucked up.

I can't do this, I can't just EAT. I can SEE it on me, I can't physically prove it but sometimes I can just FEEL it. There's something wrong. I don't know what it is, but it's there.

I don't need this, I can't deal with it NOW, not when everything's going so good. I'm finally repairing the damage, but the damage doesn't want to stay up and it's going back doooown. I just qualified, I'm in, but I can't do it if i'm busy being so fucking fucked up. I HATE IT!





I never knew that having one day - just ONE day - of 1300 for "management" and to "quash the bug" would screw me around like this.

I was lying in bed last night, and I looked at my ankles and DUDE, ankles are really, really ugly!!! Like, how could I have not noticed this before? It seriously looks like my foot has weird ear type things sprouting off either side of it's back. Yes, it does.

Also, I have had many a brainwave. For one thing, I have a fool proof way to never have valubles stolen in the case of a robbery. Keep all your valuables in the piano!!! Like anyone could steal a piano! (I told this to my friend, and seh said that they could.)(I told this to my mother and she told me that my dad keeps our money in a boring book.)(But shhhh! I shouldnt have told you that!)

Also, I have a fool proof way to not be robbed whilst shopping. (Also, I am saying also far too much). See, you go to Woolworths somewhere and buy $100 worth of tampons. Then you stash them in your bag and, when you reach a Woolworths near where you're shopping you exchange them. Because why would anyone try and steal a hundred dollars worth of tampons from you? Huh? Actually, let's not go there.


Ahem. Actually, I think this heat is not helping my fever a bit. Maybe I'm delirious...

It didn't work.

That's all I really have to say.

( Cut for shit poetry )

So ... scholarship exam tomorrow! I'm so kinda ... not nervous. I'm definatly not nervous. Just a bit unsure, I guess. Last time I got it, it's something like 50% or 25%, no biggie. But there's also the pressure thing. Since I've got it before, there's that pressure. Plus, all my cousins were scholarship students then they got really, really good year 12 marks, like almost perfect... I know I shouldn't feel like this but SHIT it just feels like pressure.

I'll see how it goes. I got purple checked short shorts today!!! I actually only bought them because Tre has longer ones the same and I'm like yay I can be and obsessed!sad!greenday!fanatic... Yeah.

zomgzzzz (and I do mean the zzzz part), we just did the most tiring thing in rowing. It was around 40 degrees which is way too hot to go out on the water (thank God they didn't make us, knowing them they would have!) so we did "land training". ie, gazillions of kilometres on the ergos.

I had a bad feeling about it at the start because I am so damn sore due to the fact that there are just NOT enough days in the week for me to have a rest day ... I do rowing monday, run on tuesdays, rowing wednesday, swim on thursday, little athletics on friday, rowing on saturday, walk for a couple of hours on saturday to keep the bug at bay, run again on sunday ... I have no freaking time to run as much as I want to thanks to rowing! But it's good. It makes me realize how much I heart running XD So, anyway, back to the topic ... yeah, my muscles were so sore! I woke up this morning (after getting woken up at 6:30 on saturday becasue, yeah, rowing; on sunday my darling father woke me up at 6:15 on his way to golf so I got up to go running ... Yeah, I am bitter and twisted about my lack of sleeping in time :P) kinda early and was just like EEEERGH. I did NOT want to get up. But I did.

So, my day was hot, then it was time for rowing. And I was all "Oh noes, we're doing an ergo test!11!" but we weren't. Oh noes, we weren't. We brought the ergs into a nice, cool classroom, got into partners and were told to row 2 km, 250m at a time, switching every 250 metres. Oh, yeah, and FULL SPEED. It was like hell. I mean, I'm fit and stuff but I suck at rowing. It's actually kind of interesting. When I run I'm average size - maybe a bit tall, when I swim I'm really, really short. And, when I row, I'm small. Like, small as in disadvantaged small. I weigh less than some of the coxes and when you're on the erg your weight is an advantage. Or maybe I'm making excuses for the fact that I suck. Whatever.

So, we were all dying after having done the first set, then we were split into groups of five to row 2.5km 250 at a time. We were only doing two each and, omg, it sounds so cliched! But on my second one (I was the last one rowing in my team) everyone crowded around me and they were all cheering my name and I felt it! I felt the rush you get from everyone believing in you and cheering you on, etc, and I did it! I pulled 2.01 (I think it's the projected 500m split time), which is the best I've ever pulled!!! And this is kind of a big thing for me because I always viewed people cheering me on as pressure, pressure, pressure. And I kind of have a history of crumbling under pressure. Like "oh, you're going to sydney!" and, instead of being excited, all I could see was the PRESSURE. But, I don't know, it just made me happy. Yeah, like one more thing in my life was sorting itself out. I'm going to train up and, when the time comes, go back to running interschool. With HIM. And I WILL get that 2.30. I'll do it (hopefully).

There's more at rowing, but this is long enough already. I'm going to crash on the couch. YAYNESS!!! TRE COOL WAS IN THE NEWSPAPER!!!

Ok, so school starts tomorrow ( Cut for dull gibberish no one really needs to read )

So, note to self, let's not go down that road for a while.

So, this year being (coincidentaly) a Shiny!New!Year I have decided to do things right, ie. not screw up. Well, I started ( more dull gibberish ) being more organized and stuff. I don't know ... I want to be happy this year, hey? Not choke when it's important, not waste a single moment. Speaking of which ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAWb9NFn6YI
Tre Cool is a legend. An absolute legend. AND I WANT TO MARRY HIM *crazed fan-girl look*

I get the feeling I'm losing sanity. :D Whatever, I'd better get off the computer. Yesterday I wrote a song about the angst and utter emo-ness that goes on in your soul when you do not yourself have braces but the person you are liek madly in tru luv wit is going out with a girl who wears braces. YES A SONG. IT HAS MUSIC!!! I have really moved up in the world. I was also quite inexplicably happy yesterday. Maybe I was mistaking the feeling of being well with the feeling of happiness. Maybe there is no difference. Maybe some of the book I just read (something to do with Biting by John Larkin - go read it when you get the real title!) had rubbed off on me, namly the one about the crap buddhist. Whatever. It's hard to be sad when you're listening to the Subways!!!

Yesterday was an awesome day. L came over and we did some crazy stuff ... We walked to subway, then walked all the way to our old school to eat the subway. On the way, we got sidetraced by this roundabout - see, it is one of our big dreams to have a picnic!on!a!roundabout... Unfortunatly, it was wet and the roundabout was too spikey :( but we ran a couple of laps. A couple of cars looked at us a bit strangely, then this learner dude did a couple of laps with us and FLASHED HIS LIGHTS AT US! He was Teh Awesome! So, yes, eventually, we made our way to the school. You know how you go places that you used to spend heaps of time at (eg. Your old SCHOOL) ages after you've stopped going there and you can just spend AGES doing what you used to do (point in case: playing on the play equipment like the mature things you are) and reminiscing (and abusing the poeple who CHANGED the REMNANTS of you CHILDHOOD)? Yeah, we spent ages doing that, climbing over all the old stuff, checking out the graffitti, etc. It was windy and raining so there was, like, no one and we found a cosy little piece of play equipment to eat on.

Then we walked back home because my mother was getting pissy at at 'cause we'd said we would cook sometime for *gasp*ROWING CAMP THE NEXT DAY (which is, by now, today). So, we cooked this nutty date slice while listening to Bullet in a Bible (and watching That Part during Hitchin' A Ride *cough*handdownpants*cough*)... Yeah, that was awesome.

Eventually, L left, and I did some stuff before dinner... Then I ate dinner (salmon and vegetables - what I think of as "safe foods") while listening to my father ramble on about his work, how much his work sucks, how much work he has to do at work, etc... (my father is a psychiatrist and, ironically, after spending a day listening at people and diagnosing them, or whatever, he appears to need a psychiatrist himself, and by that I don't mean he's mentally ill, I just mean that he needs someone to talk to who will LISTEN, which is certainly not mother or me.)

( Then ... I ventured into SPA LAND!!! )

So, L's brilliant idea is that we form a band and then go on tour with Green Day, hence meeting Green Day and possibly marrying them in the process. So, what's wrong with this picture?
Okay, 1) There are four people in our band, me and L live here, H and K live out in the country 2 1/2 hours away.
2) I have never met K.
3) We have no instruments, except for a weird guitar.
4) Oh, did I forget to mention? We can't play the instruments. ie, I'm playing guitar but I only started learning (from a book) yesterday. H is playing bass, has no idea how to; K is playing drums (lucky!) and has no idea how to either.
Kinda see where I'm getting to here?

Nevertheless, we spent much of last night playing Green Day songs (because I can play them on the piano 'cause I'm cool like that, and have a Green Day piano book), learning the guitar (XD) and, erm, writing songs (kinda prematurely, don't you think?)

( So, my songs (which are really poems, cause I havent written any music for them!) are as follows )

Yeah, I think this makes it very clear that all these little emo kids really amuse me. And that I never get sick of making jokes about it.

I feel sick, though, like puking. I ate soooo much crap. This morning I had THREE pancakes with maple syrup (because so was everyone else, I kind of felt like I had to. Okay, I feel like I'm making excuses), for lunch I had a muffin (which probably had around 500 calories, or something absurd like that), then a caramel fudge bar (150), THEN a gazillion yoghurt tastes, THEN a row of chocolate (100?). And last night we had chocolate pudding with ice-cream for dessert. And it's too hot to go running. It's time s like this when I can just feel it ON me, and its a fucking hot day too, so I feel all sweaty and gross. I'm doing my rowing circuit, which is minus 100 or so; and I'll probably go for a walk which, if I'm lucky, will burn around 200.

I hate calculating all this, but it's the only way I feel safe :(